i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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