I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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