she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
