Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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