i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
