I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
