plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
