if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
