My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
