i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
