I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
love makes seman taste better
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
