my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
