She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
