She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You took a bar mat shot.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
