Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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