I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
