Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
