Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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