she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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