Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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