Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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