3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
