These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
