last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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