Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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