So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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