a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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