Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
