You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
