I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
