We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize