Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My life is pants optional.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
