Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
