somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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