Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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