i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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