finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
