wanna go halves on a baby?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
