My liver just broke up with me...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
