Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
