I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
