Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
