and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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