good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
