Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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