I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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