Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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