I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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