i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
