if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
