I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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