I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize