haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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