I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Don't make out with my wife yet
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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