if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
