So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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