I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Everclear isn't food dammit
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
