Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
