If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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