there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
