clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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