I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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